my ass...

As far as my life in general goes, the last year or so has been good to me... But as for the size of my ass? Not so much.

Unless that is, you're Mr. Kaos.

You see in the last year I've gained 15 pounds. That doesn't make me fat, but it makes me very uncomfortable in my own skin.

I know I don't eat as well as I should.

Mr. Kaos has gained a few pounds as well, and while he isn't fat either... he also doesn't need to gain any weight, so today when he was getting ready to come home we had a chance to chat for the first time all day. I mentioned on the phone that we both needed to work on our eating habits and I wanted to sit down together and talk about menu plans and a healthier diet. His reply?

"Hey I'm not the one going to the gelato shop everyday"

Resisting the urge to hang up on him I spat into the phone "I don't want to talk to you right now" and then I hung up the phone as nicely as I could and finished cutting up apples for our daughter. I took a deep breath, calmed down, reminded myself that everyone's an asshole at sometime, even me, and my phone rang.

"I'm very sorry, that was really a stupid thing to say, I don't know why I said it"


Fine. he apologized... I got over. When he got home he apologized again. It's all okay, we're good.


Later we were sitting at the table and we started to talk about our dietary habits and the fact that I would like to loose the weight that I've gained... his response?

"You mean you expect me to give up all that booty just for your long term health goals?"

My man, gotta love him.

blogger detox facility now open

Welcome to the Kaos Valley Detox and Treatment Facility where we can help you clean up your life...

Messy house? No. We can't help you there.

Addicted to smack? Nuh huh. No. There's nothing we can do.

Have a coke problem? Ah now there we can help you... I myself battle with the Cherry devil... it's hard to resist the sweet bubbly goodness flowing down your throat... but here at the Kaos Valley Detox and Treatment Facility we can help you beat it... at least temporarily...

Want to quit smoking those nasty cigarettes? Um... well... yeah I may not be so much help there because while I did quit smoking years ago I'm not sure I know how I did it. My friend though swears by the patch... you could try that?

Have a horrible gambling addiction? I have no idea what to do for you...

But have you been eating too much red meat, cheese, butter, or sugary foods? Drinking a wee to much wine... imbibing a few too many tropical drinks?

There we can help you. Not by sharing with you any mind bending methods of how to give up the goods... but by holding your hand as we detox ourselves from the over consumption insanity that was the month of March.

You see the month of March was one little party after another. From my birthday at the beginning of the month all the way through my friend leaving Monday we had fun fun fun...

Then my daddy took the T-Bird away.

No. I have no T-Bird... Never did. Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Maybe I need to add inappropriate quoting of songs to the list of things I need to detox from...

Nah. I don't think I'm willing to give that up for any length of time.

What I am doing though is trying to clean out my system a bit.

Inspired by my lovely Mr. Kaos I'm cutting out the cherry coke, red meat, alcohol, candy and all that other good stuff that I had too much of in the last month...

(but just till I feel like a super hero again)

Oh sweet natural energy... I've been missing you.

hear my demands...

As some of you may be aware I spent the last week nursing my husband and child back to health. Today Mr. Kaos is feeling well enough to run around the house cleaning and obsessing.

K is bemoaning the fact that she can't ride her bike and making clever messy foam sculptures in the bathroom sink...

I, all the while, didn't feel great. I was tired and achy with a mild cough so I wanted to rest so that I wouldn't get as sick as they were... I figured I could beat this thing that had so heavily inflicted them with a combination of vitamin C, water and rest... and whining.

This morning I woke up and what a lovely surprise, K's fever was gone. Her ever present cough was still there but it was lessoning. Mr. Kaos was obviously feeling better too.

HOORAY thought I.

I cut and toasted bagels for the small motley crew assembled in the dining room... there's a change, not one sick person eating in my bed!

I started feeling tired as I put the bagels in the oven (WHAT... that's right... in the oven. We don't even own a toaster... that's what the broiler is for). I got out the cream cheese and took my blood pressure medication. K was hungry right then so I handed her some yogurt.

And she ate it. All of it. Without complaint... things were going well. Really well.

But still, as I pulled the bagels out of the oven I was freezing. I asked Mr. Kaos to check the thermostat... it was still set high to deal with the sickies that had been going on throughout the week.

Damn.

I sat down to enjoy my lovely cherry coke and bagel (it's my one serious indulgence so hush). I was cold. My stomach lurched and the room began to spin a bit...

I told Mr. I wasn't feeling at all well and I left the room to climb into bed. There in my bedside table was the ear thermometer that we've had since K was born. I popped that bad boy into my ear and listened for the telltale beep that signifies it has scanned your brain and mapped it while checking your body temperature. I pulled it around to take a peek at my totally normal temperature.

Only in place of my normal 97.something... was 100.3

Fuck.

As I write this my body is dissolving Tylenol and under three blankets in yoga pants and a hoodie. I am freezing. I am sore. My coughing has gotten worse.

Why is it then that I sit here and type out this post?

Because this is the first time in days no one has been making demands of me. Mr. Kaos is quietly in the other room, K is curled up next to me resting and watching junk TV... I have a desperate hope that she will be well enough to go to school tomorrow... fever is gone but that cough when she runs around... bad news.

What was I saying? Oh, this is the first time in days I've had more than ten minutes with my precious laptop.

I've been reading and sometimes commenting on your posts from my phone... because it was all I had time for... so I am going to use my computer for a while. I am going to sit here and type on it... and then when I'm done if I'm not sleeping I'm going to take advantage of another amenity that has been installed here in my bedroom.

You see Friday night Mr. Kaos moved the Wii up from the cold cold basement to the warm cozy bedroom...

I'm gonna Wii my brains out.

now for my demands.

Mr. Kaos, you may clean and hover all you want but don't ask me any questions.

K, stop whining and suck it up. Mama is sick. She doesn't want to watch that. She doesn't want to hear that. But apparently when sick she talks about herself in the third person, accept that and don't ask why.

I will get over this in one day. HEAR ME? One day. Tomorrow morning when I wake up I will be healthy.

And you guys... you guys will forgive all this whining... because you have to. Because I am too sick to have you hate me.

Maybe I will play my Wii later... I just took my temperature again... it's up to 100.4 and I'm getting tired.

Crap.