at my feet...

I dislike being told that I'm going to hell. I really do. I find it distasteful and more than a little bit rude... but I've heard it more times than I care to recall and read it more times than I can count. If I weren't so very fond of myself I might start to take it personally, but to tell you the truth I'm okay with the powers that be and I think that if there is a higher power that supreme being is pretty okay with me.

I'm a good person. I love my family. I don't hurt people (when I can help it). I don't kill anyone. I only lie when it's totally and completely necessary and I never cheat, not even on my taxes.

I even do things to help the community...

That wasn't a joke. I sooo volunteer in my community.

So it wasn't really too much of a surprise today when I headed out to pick K up from school and found laying at my feet on the front porch a golden ticket of sorts:

All I have to do to make it to heaven is follow their 10 easy parts... No problem right?

Part 1: What is the Bible?

well it's really more of a question than a step but lets see what they have to say...

The Bible is God's Word. It tells us his law

um... okay...

"The law of the LORD is perfect"

I've always felt like maybe "perfect" is a bit of an exaggeration... but hey if all I have to do to get to heaven is accept the perfection of some law that some unseen being has handed down I think we can make that work.

Part 2: What is Sin?

well according to dictionary.com sin is a bad thing...

Sin is breaking God's law

Right, breaking the law... the one that God set forth... shouldn't be a problem, after all it says up there that the law of God is perfect...

Lying - I can work on that. I'll just tell K tomorrow morning that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are mythical creatures made up to cruelly coddle children so that they are horribly disillusioned and spirit broken before they head into their pre-teens.

Cheating - No problem. I hate cheating. My brother used to swear I cheated at Go Fish as a kid because I won almost every time... but I totally NEVER did. I didn't cheat at Monopoly either... but I think he did.

Cursing - Houston, we have a problem... Cursing? Really??!! Cursing... do you think they mean saying "Oh my God what the hell is wrong with you crazy fucking people, won't you shut the hell up and stop talking about that stupid TV show" kind of cursing or the "I condemn you to a life of misery and suffering" kind of cursing... because I could totally go my whole life with out cursing someone like Gypsy's do in storybooks...

Sigh...

I'm not gonna bother with the rest of the pamphlet... I'm pretty sure that on the last page it's just going to tell me I'm going to hell...

the birthday of my man

Mr. Kaos asked earlier today if he got to guest post on my blog today since it was, after all, the day of his birth.

I jumped at the chance to have some well written thought provoking content on my blog for a change...

then he told me what he wanted to say and I kind of put the lid on the whole idea...

No, not really. He told me what he wanted to write, which was kind of the tale of our typical new year's eve... It was funny, it was humor, it had sleep, coffee, passion, anger, fighting, crying, sex, champagne and plumbing.

But once he got the general theme out he didn't feel like writing it anymore.

At all.

So I am stepping in to write my own blog post on his birthday.

But still, totally gonna be about him.

You see, while he was a planned child his parents didn't give much thought to the whole having a child around the holidays thing.

At all.

I'm not being cruel, his mother will be the first to admit that they didn't think the timing out too well.

If there is one thing that Mr. Kaos hates (and trust me for such a loving man he can jump on the hate wagon for a thing or 10) it's his birthday.

Since I 've known him I have made great efforts to do nice things for him for/on/around his birthday.

Do you know what I 've learned?

Don't.

Without fail every year the day before his birthday we have a big fight about something asinine and ordinarily it's all his fault because he is in a bad stupid evil birthday mood. Though to be fair the big fight we had the day before his birthday THIS year wasn't all his fault. He was trying to not be his normal birthday self but I was REALLY defensive ready for evil birthday Mr. Kaos to show up. The two things, his trying and my waiting, they rammed head first into each other to create a dazzling effect.

THEN...

well then we had a big argument.

(this is what he was going to write about people, I am following his lead)

THEN...

well then we folded laundry and argued.

BUT THEN...


then we made up.

BUT THEN then...

Mr. Kaos took a shower in preparation to get ready to go out and do some shopping for his birthday brunch and I went down to check the new drain pipe to ensure that all was good and there was a leak.

SHIT.

SO THEN...

I went upstairs and found the leak in question and wrapped a towel around it to stop it leaking while he was in the shower...

what? it wasn't a very big leak.

And then I showered and we got ready to go out and then...

THEN on the eve of my man's birthday we had to go to a hardware store and 3 (count them three) different grocery stores.

Man did that SUCK.

But then we came home and do you know what we did THEN???

Well then we unpacked the groceries... but after that we had a huge dinner with my parents and we tore christmas the frick down.

It felt good. (though it isn't all gone).

I think for once he really just wanted Christmas to be over with before his birthday.

Or something.

I'll be honest here. I usually have a very good grasp of what Mr. Kaos is thinking. How he's feeling. What's going on in the old noggin there... but with this whole birthday thing I'm left adrift in a sea of I HAVE NO CLUE.

But I do know that there are two things that can make him smile:

A cake made by K fresh from her easy bake oven.

A blog post where I talk about how much I love him.

So Mr. Kaos, I love you, happy birthday from me, the only way I know how.

march is just super...

March is like hell month here in the Kaos household. We handle hell well, we try to have fun with it but it's still hell. That's just what happens when you pile birthday on top of birthday multiply it by 16 and throw in family medical emergencies, Nana's visit, arts & crafts overload and 17 parties for good measure. We like visiting the hell that is March, but we don't want to live here.

So it is with a sense of relief that I start to poke my head out of my protective shell and look around... is it over? Are we there yet? April anyone?

Not yet. Almost. So soon I can taste it.

We have one more big March happening. One more big ruckus. A big bash. The birthday party.

THE BIRTHDAY PARTY.

The one where K and 9 friends will dress up like super heroes and hurl big round objects down 62 feet of glossy hard wood while trying to knock over 10 pins. Oh yeah people, we're taking a field trip to the bowling alley WITH SUPER HEROES.

Do all those capital letters make me sound excited? I am. I really really am. I'm not sure if I am more excited at the prospect of once again donning my bat girl ensemble or seeing K in her new wonder woman get up. It could be the thought of all those little kids in super hero disguises or the pitchers of beer and taco pizza. I know, we're not just normal crazy, we're super crazy. You get used to it when you've lived your entire life that way.

I think what I really look forward to is coming home from the party, hanging up our super capes, setting aside our masks, basking in the family glow and reclaiming some sense of normalcy, because yes, even here in the house of Kaos we have normal days sometimes, most of the time really.

As the month of March (hell) fades into April and the days grow warm and wet the Kaos family will start to unwind and for us that will be just super...