Thursday, September 11, 2008

at my feet...

I dislike being told that I'm going to hell. I really do. I find it distasteful and more than a little bit rude... but I've heard it more times than I care to recall and read it more times than I can count. If I weren't so very fond of myself I might start to take it personally, but to tell you the truth I'm okay with the powers that be and I think that if there is a higher power that supreme being is pretty okay with me.

I'm a good person. I love my family. I don't hurt people (when I can help it). I don't kill anyone. I only lie when it's totally and completely necessary and I never cheat, not even on my taxes.

I even do things to help the community...

That wasn't a joke. I sooo volunteer in my community.

So it wasn't really too much of a surprise today when I headed out to pick K up from school and found laying at my feet on the front porch a golden ticket of sorts:

All I have to do to make it to heaven is follow their 10 easy parts... No problem right?

Part 1: What is the Bible?

well it's really more of a question than a step but lets see what they have to say...

The Bible is God's Word. It tells us his law

um... okay...

"The law of the LORD is perfect"

I've always felt like maybe "perfect" is a bit of an exaggeration... but hey if all I have to do to get to heaven is accept the perfection of some law that some unseen being has handed down I think we can make that work.

Part 2: What is Sin?

well according to dictionary.com sin is a bad thing...

Sin is breaking God's law

Right, breaking the law... the one that God set forth... shouldn't be a problem, after all it says up there that the law of God is perfect...

Lying - I can work on that. I'll just tell K tomorrow morning that Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are mythical creatures made up to cruelly coddle children so that they are horribly disillusioned and spirit broken before they head into their pre-teens.

Cheating - No problem. I hate cheating. My brother used to swear I cheated at Go Fish as a kid because I won almost every time... but I totally NEVER did. I didn't cheat at Monopoly either... but I think he did.

Cursing - Houston, we have a problem... Cursing? Really??!! Cursing... do you think they mean saying "Oh my God what the hell is wrong with you crazy fucking people, won't you shut the hell up and stop talking about that stupid TV show" kind of cursing or the "I condemn you to a life of misery and suffering" kind of cursing... because I could totally go my whole life with out cursing someone like Gypsy's do in storybooks...

Sigh...

I'm not gonna bother with the rest of the pamphlet... I'm pretty sure that on the last page it's just going to tell me I'm going to hell...

10 comments:

sybil law said...

And now i have Judas Priest stuck in my head.
Thanks, you fucking heathen.

:)

missburrows said...

I'm like totally going to hell. Come with me. We don't want to break up this crazy twosome we have going (like totally).

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

A golden ticket to hell! WHere do I get one?

Steven said...

You're awesome.

Mojo said...

Well if you're gonna be there, how bad can it be?

Bubblewench said...

I think we're all gonna be there...

Jo Beaufoix said...

Is it ok that I laugh at this post? I mean, you are sooooo not going to hell, though you would make hell very cool, but then it wouldn't be hell. There is no way they'd let you in.

holly said...

i loved this and am pissed off that last night's internet outage prevented me from commenting. hating virgin broadband right now. well, not *right* now as it (touch wood) is working.

i love that their multi-step process is just questions. kind of makes you think. no it doesn't.

The Holmes said...

Oh, ya gotta love the little Come to Jesus pamphlets, those tight little bursts of theological knowledge, designed to convince the sinner to repent and change his/her ways.

angel said...

and they just left it on your porch...?!!?

oh boy, its pamphlets like that that give believers a bad rep!