losing my libido... part 2

It seemed so clear what had to be done, after all my sex drive had been decimated and though I didn't want to have sex, I wanted to want it. I wanted to feel like that sassy sultry woman I once knew as me. I wanted to throw on a cute little dress and some high heels and not worry that I might be taunting my husband or attracting his attention.

I wanted to feel sexual again, and I wanted him to feel wanted.

It really should have been a simple thing for me to do, pick up the phone, call the doctor's office and let them know that something wasn't right, but it wasn't. You see with my sexual nature gone so was my ability to discuss sex with ease. I found it painful to dial the number to my doctor's office and when they answered and asked what the reason for my appointment was, the closest I could get to an answer was:

I think the dose on my prescription may a little off.

They got me in relatively quickly, maybe a week later. I remembered the day my doctor told me it was okay to have sex once again and how happy I'd been... How far things had come. As I sat in the waiting room I nervously crossed and uncrossed my legs, fiddled with my purse and pretended to read a magazine or two. By the time the nurse called me back to the exam room I was a wreck. While she did all the normal things, weighing me, checking my height and blood pressure, asking me the reason for my visit, I concentrated on one thing only. Making it out of the room without crying. She left the room after telling me the doctor would be with me shortly and I resumed my nervous fidgeting until the doctor came in. It was one of the female doctors in the practice, the one who delivered our child. When she came in she smiled and asked me how my daughter was.

"Beautiful" I told her.

But that wasn't the reason I was there, I pressed on and told her what I had said on the phone, that I thought the dosage on my birth control pills must be off. That I didn't feel right, that I was emotional at all the wrong times. I cried while watching telephone commercials. I wasn't myself.

And then sitting in the exam room I cried, not a tiny silent teardrop, not a little sniffle. I cried. I sobbed. I was so embarrassed that I cried more. But then it couldn't have gotten any worse so as soon as I was able to breathe properly I told her the real problem.

I don't want to have sex ever.

She nodded and patted me on the back and then asked a series of questions. The only thing I recall her asking with any clarity though was if that was abnormal for me. I snapped out of the sulks, my embarrassment was momentarily banished.

YES. Yes it's very abnormal for me.

"Then we'll fix it"

I breathed such a sigh of relief that moment. Even though I had been bat shit crazy and sobbing in the exam room I'd made myself heard. She knew what the problem was. We were going to fix it! It took a lot of trial and error, several different prescriptions and a bit more time. With each change the fog slowly lifted. At first sex wasn't horrifying, but that wasn't enough for me. I told her it still wasn't right and we changed the prescription again... then I was once again back in the sex saddle but my moods became less predictable than the sea and I had violent mood swings.

Oops. Try again.

Eventually I had to be taken off birth control pills entirely because they were contributing to my high blood pressure and that's when it happened.

It was almost a month after the last pill had been swallowed that I realized it. My daughter was no longer a baby, she was a toddler. My marriage had somehow survived more than a year of hormone driven insanity and sex disorder and by some miracle, or what seemed like one, I was me again.

Certainly imperfect, slightly kinky, fun loving, emotional and sex driven me.

***

On Friday October 17th at 10 pm Strange Love Live will have it's first Q&A episode and the topic will be sex sex sex. It's a big topic so to help answer questions we'll be joined by MissBurrows and Melissa Lion. Have a sex related question for us? Leave it here or email me at strangelovelove@gmail.com. If you wish to remain anonymous on air please let me know in your email.

losing my libido... part 1

Not long after my daughter was born, in the grand scheme of things, I started to feel amorous towards my husband again. I thought it would be forever but it really wasn't that long at all.

The doctor told me to wait 6 weeks before having any sexual contact.

6 weeks. When he said 6 weeks it sounded very reasonable. Actually it sounded insane. I thought at that moment, 2 days after I had given birth:

6 weeks!! Are you INSANE? Do you know what I've just been through? Do you have any idea what's just come out of my vagina? A person! A small person but a person none the less... and blood. AND A PLACENTA. I'm not having any sexual contact for 6 MONTHS!

That's what I thought, but what I said was "Okay". And then I climbed into a wheelchair and with my newborn in my arms allowed the nurse to wheel me out of the hospital. The entire wheelchair trip I remember thinking that the doctor was clearly insane.

3 weeks later I started to feel a bit more like myself and realized that I hadn't had sex in months. I'd been on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy and vomiting for the rest of it, so sex had seldom been had. Yes, at 3 weeks when the arrival of visitors had started to slow, when I was walking almost normally and we had gotten K into something approaching a routine I somehow once again was thinking of myself as a sexual person. I wasn't ready to have sex yet, but I was thinking along those terms.

When the 6 week mark hit and I had a check up with my doctor one of the questions I asked was "Can I have sex yet?". He didn't look terribly surprised and he answered me with the wisdom that an experienced OB/GYN has acquired. "When you want to have sex again, you're allowed to". I asked for and was given a prescription for birth control pills and was on my way out of the exam room.

I can't relate the hugeness of the weight that was lifted from me. Not only was I thinking about sex again but I was allowed to have it. I would have danced out of the office if I could have (I'm a terrible dancer). When I got to the waiting room to find my husband and child waiting for me I smiled immediately. I wanted him. I wanted him right then and there but instead of doing it on the waiting room couch we packed up K's things and headed out the door.

When we got home from my appointment there was so much to do and so little time and we went about our day... until... until K went down for her nap. While she was sleeping I attempted to ravage my husband.

It was slow going and I didn't have an orgasm. He was scared to hurt me, I was scared to be hurt. It wasn't entirely unlike losing my virginity. I felt safe with a man I loved but was still scared out of my mind and when all was said and done I was sore and somewhat bewildered.

Time passed quickly and before I knew it I was back in the swing of things. Our sex life began to approach half of what it had once been and I was content with that. I no longer had time to paint myself from head to toe with silver body paint, don a pair of leather hot pants and greet him at the door with a martini in hand but we did find time for a roll in our bed before we turned out the lights and fell asleep...

And it was good.

Until the hormones in my birth control pills kicked in and knocked every last ounce of passion out of me. Suddenly I went from a sexy and sexual woman who craved encounters with my husband to a lump of a stay at home mom who was perfectly content to be my partners best friend and nothing more.

I knew something was wrong.

I'd always had a very healthy sexual appetite. Like anyone, my libido waxed and waned, but never had I just plain not wanted to have sex. Something had to be done, but what? I tried feigning interest in sex, it did no good. I was half a step from finding the thought of sex with my husband repulsive and that just didn't seem right. After 6 months of feeling like a part of me had been incised, scowling at Dr. Normal when he made a sexual overture and feeling guilty that I no longer wanted sleep naked because I was afraid he might try to *gasp* have sex with me, I finally talked to Dr. Normal about was happening.

I couldn't carry on that way any longer, I needed to be me again and I felt strongly that my husband deserved to be with the sex kitten he married, or at least some semblance of her.

To be continued...

***

On Friday October 17th at 10 pm Strange Love Live will have it's first Q&A episode and the topic will be sex sex sex. It's a big topic so to help answer questions we'll be joined by MissBurrows and Melissa Lion. Have a sex related question for us? Leave it here or email me at strangelovelove@gmail.com. If you wish to remain anonymous on air please let me know in your email.

only once

It hangs in the back of a seldom used closet, zipped up tight in a garment bag.

The most expensive piece of clothing I've ever owned, it was $395 on sale, the most expensive piece of clothing I've ever owned and I haven't worn it in almost 7 years.

I remember when I saw it though, it was exactly what I wanted but not at all what I expected to want... with its smooth cream bodice and its beautiful full skirt. When I put it on I knew it was the one for me.

My wedding gown was beautiful, but it was only for a day. My marriage will last a lifetime.

image by Stephen Jones Photography

***
This post was written in response to David's question on Weekend Wandering; Do you have an item of clothing that you haven't worn for more than a year?

If you'd like to answer this on your blog please link back to David's Weekend Wandering post and leave him a comment to let him know. While you're letting people know... leave me a comment to let me know as well... I'd love to see what you have to say.

body heat

I sit in the office loft of our house typing on our big reliable laptop. The one we affectionately call the "Tank". I know it must be warm in here because the air conditioning is running still at almost 10 pm. It was hot all day. So hot that K didn't want to play outside anymore.

She wanted to escape into the air conditioned coolness and draw picture after picture in the dark house while we waited for Dr. Normal to get home with Chinese take out.

We had Chinese take out because it was also too hot to cook.

I know all this, but I still sit upstairs in jeans and a sweater my body supported by the chair I sit in and the desk I lean on. I'm not cold, even without the sweater when I had on a tank top I wasn't cold... but I want to be warm.

I want to be submerged in warm bubbling water or to pull on leather gloves and a welcoming wool coat. I want to curl up under layers of blankets and feel the cool sheets warm to my skin.

The weather may have it's way with me during the day, but every night it's the same.

Once the sun goes down I long for the comfort of my big bed, my soft blankets and the warmth of my husband's skin.

sleepless nights...

I'm a little tired babies.

I'm keeping late nights.

Late.

The time I want to go to bed sees me sitting wide awake.

And what am I doing with that precious time I have scheduled for sleep?

I could be blogging, commenting, reading, editing, watching tv, planning parties, fretting, doing bills, chasing the cats or folding laundry...

but I'm not.

The past two nights I've sat up late with Mr. Kaos talking.

Talking.

and talking and talking and talking.

What were Mr. Kaos and I talking about?

Do you remember that time when you first met the one you love and you spend hours laying in each other's arms and chatting about everything under the heavens. Your day? Their day? Childhood memories? Dearest wishes? Embarrassing moments? Family mysteries? The way the wind blows the leaves in little circles along the ground? Anything? Everything?

That's what we were talking about. Anything. Everything. Our hopes. Our dreams. Our life.

He's still worth losing sleep over.

dream marriage

Last night Mr. Kaos tossed and turned and turned and tossed and didn't sleep. We, all three of us, have a cold. K seems to be coming through it fine, Mr. Kaos is getting better, but I feel like a zombie.

Still I felt bad to see him so exhausted this morning so I ushered K out to wrap a present and make a card for her friend's birthday and we left him slumbering peacefully... or so I thought.

Around 11 AM we heard a great stirring and he wandered into the dining room without any pants looking psychotic and disturbed. He snuggled me briefly then ran upstairs. I was wearing my headphones and listening to an old episode of TWiT(the one with the Tiki Bar TV folks) at the time so I just kind of sat there completely befuddled until he came back down the stairs in pants a few moments later.

He hugged and kissed me then told me he loved me. I had to pause my show so I could get to the bottom of things. We're a lovey dovey affectionate couple but not when one of us just woke up. In the first 30 minutes of wakefullness it's hot sex or please don't touch me.

What was happening?

I told him I still wasn't feeling well and wondered out loud if he could take K to her birthday party today so I could get some rest.

"Of course baby, anything for you" and a kiss on my forehead with a great big hug was his reply.

HUH??? Where was I the Twilight Zone?

K started asking questions about the theme for the party and whether or not the other kids would be wearing costumes (to her the day is hardly worth living if a costume isn't donned). I told her it was a jungle theme so she could wear a safari ensemble. She started going on about dressing like Ursula from George of the Jungle or Jane from Tarzan... I told her Ursula would have to do since we didn't own a bustle.

Mr. Kaos followed me into her room as I sorted through her mountain of clothing for khaki's and thanked me again for letting him sleep in. This is when he wove me a wondrous tale, a story, the dream he'd had shortly before waking that turned into a nightmare.

It started with him playing the drums for some work event, which is not an uncommon occurrence, but that's where the dream took a turn for the worse. When he got off stage instead of receiving the normal accolades from his coworkers they detailed for him how very much he sucked.

Disappointed and hurt he made his way home to his loving family only to find a hive of activity as I was packing to leave him. My mother was there trying to mediate things but doing a shit job of it because with no explanation I said it was over and left him alone to raise K.

At this point my dear friend (hi M) returned from England. He wore a mod wig and spoke in an exaggeration of his normal British accent. He tried to entertain Mr. Kaos while getting to the bottom of what happened. Many of my friends apparently made cameos, non could understand why I left.

Then he woke up.

I hugged him and told him it was all fine, I'm not going anywhere...

he said "All the same, no more housework for you ever again"

I guess it's a good thing we're Agnostic...