post election day rainbow…

Last night was the election. Anybody want to guess what happened???

By the by, as I write this my Internet connection is DOWN. I think there is a plague, I don’t know if I will even be able to post again. I may have to leave my hermit hut and head over to a coffee shop for wifi. I would get my connection the old fashioned way like Oh The Joys (stealer stealer stealer, I think I said I would do the same) but all our neighbors lock down their access.

Last night I went to dinner with my GG, Uncle B, Mr. Kaos, K, My brother Matty, his lovely S and her mom L (hi all!). When we got to the restaurant GG and Uncle B (wine making, drink drinking, jazz playing Uncle B) were already sitting at the bar with a couple of fine martinis looking like Oregon and its mighty weather had beaten them DOWN. (Did I mention the freak hailstorm?)

They perked up when they saw us. GG went straight into love love love super Great Grandma land noting how much bigger and more mature K had grown since last she saw her, Uncle B quickly transitioned from happy to see his family to Jazz man extraordinaire as he and Mr. Kaos chatted about this and that and chops and sit-ins and all good things music related… and assholes which are apparently eternally linked.

We moved to our table and Mr. Kaos and I ordered martinis while little K enjoyed a fine Shirley Temple. When the rest of the party arrived we laughed more and ordered dinner. It was such a great evening; it was so good to be with my family. It’s so good being me.

Oh, but whatever happened at the election? By the time we were ready to call it a night and put the poor tired girl to bed it was 20 to ten and I figured the election must be over. I clearly must have been defeated since Reid assured me he would not run me if anyone else was interested. Knowing this I quietly tucked my little one into bed secure in the knowledge that I would not be VP. Our minds were all at ease especially K’s for she told me several times how she felt about mommy being a neighborhood politician; she wants her nice normal mommy who talks to herself throughout the day, writes long blogs with no way to post them, curls up to watch a movie in the afternoon with her and smashes down walls because she wants to see what is inside them.

Dreamland came for the littlest Kaos while Mr. and I stayed up talking late into the night. I can’t recall all we discussed but it started as it so often does with the Daily Show and moved onto my family, then jazz, then artists and athletes and ended in sound sleep.

But what did happen at that election? Was someone else talked into the position of utmost stupidity? No, someone actually WANTED IT. She wanted it so badly everyone in the room could taste it. She yelled and rallied, screamed and shouted, pushed and pulled and hollered. I had friends who had shown up to support me. They didn’t know exactly what they would do to support me until they arrived and saw all the commotion, the heat flying every which way, heard the yelling and screaming, saw red faces with veins popping out of the necks they were attached to. So then hoping against hope that they were doing what I wanted they voted against me.

Against Madam Vice President Kaos.

Their votes put me over the edge… and I lost, but only just. So today’s post (if it ever makes it up, if my Internet is ever restored) is dedicated to KB and SB. You gals rock!

Oh and to Reid, for actually telling everyone there that if elected I would delegate delegate delegate until all of my underlings buzzed around me like busy little bees while I sat back in my chair laughing maniacally and taking all the credit. You got me off the hook man, good luck with Vice President angry gal…

election day blues...

Occasionally I am capable of committing great acts of idiocy. That is not to say that I'm an idiot because clearly, I'm not (despite what that jury in Connecticut said). So in my swirl of crazy life right now the act of idiocy is that I'm not doing anything to make my job any easier.

I could go into a long diatribe about how K is graduating from preschool in a few weeks and how I just keep on volunteering to help with this and that and do this thing and the other and that I really have no time because I am remodeling the bathroom and already have the other things I do for K's school, not to mention the raising of the child and the husband, the occasional cleaning of things, the cooking of the food stuffs, the sex, drugs and rock & roll I engage in... I'm busy.

But we'll add to that. Today is election day. ELECTION DAY! You know, to elect me as Vice President of the neighborhood. This morning while chatting with a few of the neighborhood residents I made it very clear that I don't want the job. If that weren't enough I went on to say that if elected I promise to delegate every duty I am given until I can lean back in my chair and laugh maniacally as my underlings buzz around like little worker bees. They said that would get me elected for sure. FOR SURE?? Were they joking? NO. They may have thought I was.

I'm not.

It reminds me of the days when I was a barista in an Internet cafe. I was rude and surly, snarked at the customers, called them names and made them do my bidding. Occasionally I would throw them a bone and giggle or jump up and down in a tight shirt shaking up the whip cream canister. For some reason the meaner I was, the more I bossed and snapped at them the more they tipped me. Will my constituents feel the same? Maybe I should have been a dominatrix instead of a housewife. Maybe I should be a dominatrix and a housewife. Wait, no, I'm too busy already without the additional bossing and buckling on of leather and the spanking, and those high heels really do a number on you by the end of the day.

So today in the midst of preschool anarchy, remodeling insanity and the crazy election I should mention the one thing I have really been looking forward to. My grandma who we call GG and my favorite uncle (wine making, drink drinking, jazz playing uncle B) are heading up to Canada (eh) to see my baby cousin graduate from art school (L I am so proud. The film is awesome). I love my GG. I love my crazy uncle B. What is between Cali and Canada? PORTLAND! What's in Portland? ME! Well me, Mr Kaos, my brother and his girlfriend and probably most importantly K, because she is still cute and runs around like a hyper puppy when she hears GG is coming because SHE LOVES her.

Wait, what is the conflict here? Hooray my GG is in town!!! Oh, no, she isn't coming up to see me. She's staying the night in Portland and then heading up to Canada (eh) tomorrow. One night only engagement. So I get to have dinner with her, that's really nice. But the election is tonight.

"Do I have to be there" I asked Reid. I think he said yes, I was only half paying attention. "Well if I don't show up they just won't elect me right?" He said they might just elect me anyway. "So why do I need to be there?" Because I should. But wait. I told GG and uncle B we would have dinner. CURSE YOU GARCIA!!! Oh wait no, this isn't about my tile. Curse you.... Reid? Yes, I will blame him for telling me the next meeting isn't until the 16th. CURSE YOU REID!!!

I'm trying to work it all out, but this is where it falls. I have never lied to my GG (my parents sure) and I so rarely see her that if the only time she is available is during the election I'm going to be hanging with GG and uncle B drinking martinis and enjoying the company of my family. I made this commitment to her before I made a commitment to the people of my neighborhood. There may be more of them, and they may need me, but they aren't my GG.

(eh)

vice presidential sucker...

Ahem.

Remember a while back when I said no?

No.

Just say no. Isn't that what Nancy Regan taught us?

Well apparently she didn't do her job because I have somehow been wrangled into vice presidentiary.

UNLESS some one decides before the next election to run against me. eh eh? anybody wanna?

I offered them muck on myself and the current VP (who is of course running for President and is the one that coerced me). He offered them muck too. Let me tell you we have some good muck for the asking... But they wouldn't hear it. They laughed, as if our muck offering were a joke, or as though no one else wanted the job and they were SO relieved to have a couple of suckers... er.... candidates.

So next month when they vote it looks like I may very well become Vice President Kaos.

Just say no worked so much better with drugs.

vice presidentially yours?

umm...

hm.

Well I find myself in an odd position today, and not one of those fun positions I often find myself in with Mr. Kaos, though those can sometimes be a bit odd too.

After weeks of jokes and jabs on the matter my good friend The Vice President of our neighborhood association is announcing his candidacy for the Presidency (of our neighborhood association).

Hooray for him! What a great job he will do! Wait. No there was a thing in there, something my feeble little mind was trying to say but couldn't quite eek out...

Oh, andhe'sannouncingmeashisrunningmate.

ahem.

WHAT?

And he's announcing me as his running mate.

If I let him. Which I have not yet decided.

Obviously I have to make a decision and soon, because there is the whole announcing thing tonight.

In about 10 hours and 50 minutes.

The "announcement" will take place at a big huge meeting that's not just about the "election" so people may actually be there. THERE, when he says he wants crazy Cami Kaos as his running mate. I should say he really wants to announce me as Vice President Tattooed Mama.

Why would he do that? Screw his chances for political victory (political victory, hahaha, neighborhood association hahahaa). Did I mention I think he's running unopposed?

In the neighborhood that Mr. Kaos and I used to live the neighborhood association did little more than tell you to cut your lawn, say you can't paint your house that color and collect home owners dues. That certainly isn't what this association does. We don't even collect homeowners dues. There aren't any. It is an old neighborhood with plenty of things for the association to do. I think there is even more to it than planning the big neighborhood parties they throw every year.

Growl. I must decide, but first I have to get K to school, hard boil 18 eggs, set up a tea party for K and a friend, clean my house, pick up the girls, make dinner for my family and get my ass to the big ol' meeting. Oh, and wait for the e-mail I requested that will detail what my duties (hehee she said duty) will be if I choose to accept.

Do you think when I walk in the door is too late to decide?

***************1:45 pm****************
Oh the update, what an update: After an entirely too long day (and it is just barely the afternoon) I made a choice. It was the opt out choice, I will share with you part of my response to the VP, soon to be P, of the neighborhood:

I've totally decided. Between the stuff I am doing at K's school, my plan to join the PTA in September, volunteer at her new school, help with the ad sales at the community center, my personal blog, my metblogs posts, raising the child and Mr. Kaos, all the household stuff and my intention to write a book (oh no I am not joking, I am 3 chapters in) I think I am gonna have to refuse your nod.

Oh the tears.

Oh the agony.

Oh the humanity of it all.