Wednesday, March 14, 2007

a blog for my mother...

The day will come, and I can see it off in the not so distant future, that I will no longer be K's best friend ever in the whole wide. She won't come to me with every little thing. She won't crawl into my bed, steal the covers, push us off the edges and then wake us up with hugs and kisses yelling that it's time to get up and play with her...

How do I know? It happens will all kids. I only hope I am lucky enough, smart enough, strong enough to be a good enough mother so that years down the road she can decide I'm not so bad after all.

That's what happened with my mom and I. The amount of strength it took for her to stand by while I did the stupid crazy things I did is still beyond me. Out of my grasp.

She really subscribed to the if you love someone set them free style of parenting with me (she really had no other way to go because of my actions). 3 months before my 18th birthday I moved out of the house. Out of the city. Out of the state. 10 hours away, here to Portland. She really didn't want me to... but she left me with options. I was a flighty kid so I'm sure she never thought I would fulfill the tasks she set me to, but if there was one thing that dominated my flightiness it was my willfulness..

My parents got me kitchen supplies and towels for Christmas, and I was just thrilled. They packed me up in their big green truck and I moved up here to be with my boyfriend... my first love. He was in college in Portland and we just couldn't be separated any longer.

Skip forward 18 months and it wasn't working. We'd stayed together for 3 years, and as it turned out, young love wasn't what I was cut out for. At the very moment things were ending my mom and dad were making a visit to Portland. When I told them (sobbing in the backseat of their truck eating a twinkee) my mom said "it's all okay, we're going to go pack up your stuff honey, we're going home" I still remember being amazed that my mom would be willing to cart my ass all the way back to California and let my have my old room and resume my insane willful flaky life back in her home.

The amount of respect I had for her at that point was overwhelming... But it was also at that moment I realized she'd let me out of the nest for a reason and I had to take a big step forward, not back. It was the moment I came back to my mom. She's been my best friend since that long ago day when I was 19 sobbing in the truck eating a twinkee.

From then on scarcely a day has passed that we haven't spoken. She is a different kind of best friend than I am to K... but it is perfect and beautiful and I wouldn't trade either... I only hope to be friends with my daughter as an adult I don't have to jump through the hoops my mother was forced through… You know, the flaming ones 75 feet in the air…

2 comments:

Bubblewench said...

Those flames were only 75'? Wow. I thought they were at leat 200'. You have one of the best mothers in the world. I know that for a fact. She is loving and kind and a total joy to be around. I MISS HER as much as I miss YOU some days. I am so glad that you have become such good friends with such an amazing wonderful woman. Love to Nana. Enjoy your visit. Hope I get to see you soon too. :)

mielikki said...

thats a very lovely post. Tell your Mom hello from me, won't you?