day in the sun

I would have written a good post for today except that...

well Mr. Kaos had other plans.

You see we took K and her class on a field trip... and when that field trip was over and the kids were back in class he lured me downtown with the premise of buying K a book on space for her birthday...

He wasn't honest though. He totally had other plans. It was 11:30 he pointed out... and he was hungry so after parking the car he had the nerve to make me walk around downtown holding his hand while we looked for a place I wanted to eat.

Can you believe the nerve?

And once we chose the place... he turned off his damn phone and only paid attention to me.

ME.

Once lunch was done I had to walk around holding his hand until we reached our destination... the Big Local Bookstore my brother works for... though he wasn't at work. We browsed for a while until we found what we needed and then we headed out into the sun.

Let me restate that... the sunshine. In Portland. On a rainy day.

We walked toward the car only to realize that Ben and Jerry's blocked our way... what else could we do? The man took me out for some ice cream.

By then though it was time to return to the everyday. He had an appointment. I had to pick up K from school.

I brought her home and my mom volunteered to take her up to watch a movie...

so what did I do?

Well it was the perfect day... so of course I took a nap.

good times can come on surprising days.

chalk it up to love...

Today my mom, who's been staying with us for 2 weeks, went home.

Sigh.

Tap tap tap.

Sigh.

I can't express how different things are when Nana's here. It isn't just the lack of privacy, champagne stoppers in the wrong drawer, good knives in the dishwasher, early morning babysitting, quiet evenings or the seemingly unending maid service either...

Things are just different. Good different, different different and after a few weeks PLEASE GO HOME different. Sadly it takes a minimum of 3 weeks for us to want to push her out the door and she was only here for 2.

The biggest problem of today was that I hate seeing the tears in K's eyes when we leave Nana at the airport. When K was a baby it was always so hard to see her face as Nana (sometimes with Papa and sometimes without) headed through security on her way to the plane that would take her far far away. We told ourselves in time it would get easier to watch her go, to watch K watch her go but in 5 years it hasn't, it's gotten harder.

K was so brave and so strong as we made a day of Nana leaving. In the morning we had the quickest breakfast possible and then it was out to finish off our beautiful sidewalk art



See that smile? Can't fake it, that is the happy smile. It is the -I'm humoring mama while she snaps the 200th picture of the day but look at all this art, the beautiful sky and my Nana, I'm so happy- smile. Because while I tortured her forcing her to look up at me and the glaring sun Nana was right by her side admiring the sidewalk, the birds in the sky and K's patience with me.

Then we loaded up the car, climbed inside and took our mopey drive to the airport. There was parking, unloading, walking, revolving doors (always a big hit) and the sad lunch that seemsed to stretch on far too long as we prepared for the inevitable so long, farewell.

Sigh.

K didn't cry until Nana was out of sight. She didn't start the real waterworks until we were halfway to the car. I held her tight to me, her head resting on my shoulder as she gently sobbed. She didn't need to tell us, but she did.

It sucks when Nana goes home

Yes K, it does...

a blog for my mother...

The day will come, and I can see it off in the not so distant future, that I will no longer be K's best friend ever in the whole wide. She won't come to me with every little thing. She won't crawl into my bed, steal the covers, push us off the edges and then wake us up with hugs and kisses yelling that it's time to get up and play with her...

How do I know? It happens will all kids. I only hope I am lucky enough, smart enough, strong enough to be a good enough mother so that years down the road she can decide I'm not so bad after all.

That's what happened with my mom and I. The amount of strength it took for her to stand by while I did the stupid crazy things I did is still beyond me. Out of my grasp.

She really subscribed to the if you love someone set them free style of parenting with me (she really had no other way to go because of my actions). 3 months before my 18th birthday I moved out of the house. Out of the city. Out of the state. 10 hours away, here to Portland. She really didn't want me to... but she left me with options. I was a flighty kid so I'm sure she never thought I would fulfill the tasks she set me to, but if there was one thing that dominated my flightiness it was my willfulness..

My parents got me kitchen supplies and towels for Christmas, and I was just thrilled. They packed me up in their big green truck and I moved up here to be with my boyfriend... my first love. He was in college in Portland and we just couldn't be separated any longer.

Skip forward 18 months and it wasn't working. We'd stayed together for 3 years, and as it turned out, young love wasn't what I was cut out for. At the very moment things were ending my mom and dad were making a visit to Portland. When I told them (sobbing in the backseat of their truck eating a twinkee) my mom said "it's all okay, we're going to go pack up your stuff honey, we're going home" I still remember being amazed that my mom would be willing to cart my ass all the way back to California and let my have my old room and resume my insane willful flaky life back in her home.

The amount of respect I had for her at that point was overwhelming... But it was also at that moment I realized she'd let me out of the nest for a reason and I had to take a big step forward, not back. It was the moment I came back to my mom. She's been my best friend since that long ago day when I was 19 sobbing in the truck eating a twinkee.

From then on scarcely a day has passed that we haven't spoken. She is a different kind of best friend than I am to K... but it is perfect and beautiful and I wouldn't trade either... I only hope to be friends with my daughter as an adult I don't have to jump through the hoops my mother was forced through… You know, the flaming ones 75 feet in the air…