Friday, September 19, 2008

losing my libido... part 1

Not long after my daughter was born, in the grand scheme of things, I started to feel amorous towards my husband again. I thought it would be forever but it really wasn't that long at all.

The doctor told me to wait 6 weeks before having any sexual contact.

6 weeks. When he said 6 weeks it sounded very reasonable. Actually it sounded insane. I thought at that moment, 2 days after I had given birth:

6 weeks!! Are you INSANE? Do you know what I've just been through? Do you have any idea what's just come out of my vagina? A person! A small person but a person none the less... and blood. AND A PLACENTA. I'm not having any sexual contact for 6 MONTHS!

That's what I thought, but what I said was "Okay". And then I climbed into a wheelchair and with my newborn in my arms allowed the nurse to wheel me out of the hospital. The entire wheelchair trip I remember thinking that the doctor was clearly insane.

3 weeks later I started to feel a bit more like myself and realized that I hadn't had sex in months. I'd been on bed rest at the end of my pregnancy and vomiting for the rest of it, so sex had seldom been had. Yes, at 3 weeks when the arrival of visitors had started to slow, when I was walking almost normally and we had gotten K into something approaching a routine I somehow once again was thinking of myself as a sexual person. I wasn't ready to have sex yet, but I was thinking along those terms.

When the 6 week mark hit and I had a check up with my doctor one of the questions I asked was "Can I have sex yet?". He didn't look terribly surprised and he answered me with the wisdom that an experienced OB/GYN has acquired. "When you want to have sex again, you're allowed to". I asked for and was given a prescription for birth control pills and was on my way out of the exam room.

I can't relate the hugeness of the weight that was lifted from me. Not only was I thinking about sex again but I was allowed to have it. I would have danced out of the office if I could have (I'm a terrible dancer). When I got to the waiting room to find my husband and child waiting for me I smiled immediately. I wanted him. I wanted him right then and there but instead of doing it on the waiting room couch we packed up K's things and headed out the door.

When we got home from my appointment there was so much to do and so little time and we went about our day... until... until K went down for her nap. While she was sleeping I attempted to ravage my husband.

It was slow going and I didn't have an orgasm. He was scared to hurt me, I was scared to be hurt. It wasn't entirely unlike losing my virginity. I felt safe with a man I loved but was still scared out of my mind and when all was said and done I was sore and somewhat bewildered.

Time passed quickly and before I knew it I was back in the swing of things. Our sex life began to approach half of what it had once been and I was content with that. I no longer had time to paint myself from head to toe with silver body paint, don a pair of leather hot pants and greet him at the door with a martini in hand but we did find time for a roll in our bed before we turned out the lights and fell asleep...

And it was good.

Until the hormones in my birth control pills kicked in and knocked every last ounce of passion out of me. Suddenly I went from a sexy and sexual woman who craved encounters with my husband to a lump of a stay at home mom who was perfectly content to be my partners best friend and nothing more.

I knew something was wrong.

I'd always had a very healthy sexual appetite. Like anyone, my libido waxed and waned, but never had I just plain not wanted to have sex. Something had to be done, but what? I tried feigning interest in sex, it did no good. I was half a step from finding the thought of sex with my husband repulsive and that just didn't seem right. After 6 months of feeling like a part of me had been incised, scowling at Dr. Normal when he made a sexual overture and feeling guilty that I no longer wanted sleep naked because I was afraid he might try to *gasp* have sex with me, I finally talked to Dr. Normal about was happening.

I couldn't carry on that way any longer, I needed to be me again and I felt strongly that my husband deserved to be with the sex kitten he married, or at least some semblance of her.

To be continued...

***

On Friday October 17th at 10 pm Strange Love Live will have it's first Q&A episode and the topic will be sex sex sex. It's a big topic so to help answer questions we'll be joined by MissBurrows and Melissa Lion. Have a sex related question for us? Leave it here or email me at strangelovelove@gmail.com. If you wish to remain anonymous on air please let me know in your email.

10 comments:

Jo Beaufoix said...

This brings back memories. That first time after giving birth is kind of scary isn't it? Can't wait to hear what happens next. That sounds weird doesn't it? Ah well.

Lilacspecs said...

My birth control definitely reduces my drive, but it hasn't ever gone away completely. It's actually rpobably good cause when I'm not on the pill my bf has a hard time keeping up (and I'm not bragging or deprecating him, it's just a fact)

Bubblewench said...

That sucks. I konw how that goes though.. the meds I'm on don't help that part of life either.

melissalion said...

It took me a full year to want to have sex again. I had some really amazing post-partum depression and it was probably 2 1/2 years before I felt really sexy.

I wore nursing bras for about 20 months (yes, I nursed that long). I remember when I wore a sexy bra for the first time post-baby. It felt great.

fairytalesandmargaritas said...

Wow, have I lived this. I can't wait to hear what happens!

sybil law said...

Been there, fo sho!

Lindy said...

yep happened to me when I went on Depo provera- sucked!

angel said...

wow. what an incredible post cami. i never went through this as i was already long-time single when damien was born.

holly said...

i was identifying with you until you said 'sex kitten', which i'm sure my husband *wouldn't* think i am.

CamiKaos said...

Jo, it is scary.

lilacspecs: I know you aren't bragging or deprecating. I've been in relationships where my need outweighed my partner as well.

BW: I'm sure they don't. But it's good to feel well.

melissa: a good bra can do wonders for a girl.

Lori: I think so many of us have, but it seems so hard for people to talk about.

sybil: xoxo

lindy: I've had other friends that were on Depo provera and had the same problem.

angel: thank you

holly: well sex kittens are in the eye of the beholder... meow.