Friday, April 04, 2008

lost and please don't let me find it....

In my younger days I would second guess myself at every turn.

I was never quite sure. I could never quite decide. I could never make up my mind who I wanted to be. How I wanted to be seen. Just how much of me I could show to the world.

I was very self conscious.

So I went to extremes.

I dyed my hair. Covered myself in tattoos. Draped myself in dark clothing. Wrote angsty death laden poetry. Drank to excess. Laughed too loudly. Spoke too much...

It was all me... it was just me to excess. me to the tenth degree. me cubed.

I thought that in order for me to know who I was everyone else needed to know too. That they needed the meness of me rubbed in their faces. That they needed to know as I strolled down the street that I was Cami hear me purr.

Somewhere along the way I lost that. I lost that part of me that needed all of them to know exactly how I felt about the crack in the sidewalk I just stepped over.

I'm not sure when it happened. I'm not sure where it went or why it disappeared...

but please, nobody return it to me.


This post was written in response to David's question on Weekend Wandering; What's the most important thing you've ever lost?

If you'd like to answer this in a post on your own blog please link back to his Weekend Wandering post and leave him a comment to let him know.


david mcmahon said...

We've all had our process of self-discovery, Cami. You've described this so vividly.

And the last sentence is the abslute clincher.

God bless


Jo Beaufoix said...

Cami I love love love this.
And I can relate in so many ways.
And I'm so glad you found your you, she's fabulous.
And the new look is gorgeous dwahling. So pretty and sassy.
Go Cami.

Lilacspecs said...

Fantastic post. A very interesting perspective on finding who you really are, or perhaps recognizing it better after you've been too much of who you are.

I know, I make very little sense much of the time.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I lost my tie clip the other day.

I am still pretty upset about it.

Hilary said...

Wonderfully expressed. (sent by David)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Came by way of David as well-- fantastic post. What insight!

Velma said...

Love this one.

stephanie said...

Oooh, good stuff, you.

And brave.

Deb said...

I love this thought, that development is as much losing as it is gaining, and that it happens without conceit or force.


CrazyCath said...

I can so relate to this self discovery. Absolutely love it. You deal with it so well!

What a different take on the subject of loss too. Really well done and thanks for sharing it.

Over from David's today but been before!

CamiKaos said...

crazycath: I know you've been by before. And I've been by your place several times as well. David's good at finding gems for me to read. And thank you.

Deb: Sometimes things just kind of fall away. I guess it's good to leave them there. Thank you.

Stephanie: Thank you... It's not 100 things about me... but it's 1 big thing.

velma: thank you.

imbeingheldhostage: I'm so glad you came by! thanks.

hilary: thank you... and that david... he does love his linking!

Mr. Fab: When is the last time you wore a tie doll?

lilac: you made perfect sense to me... maybe neither of us are making sense?

Jo: Thank you. Mr. Kaos says it's my feminist nudity header.

david: thank you so much once again for a stirring topic.

stu said...

Good post. Some things are best lost.

I like the new header...


The Holmes said...

This may be one of the best pieces I've ever read about growing up. You manage to get a lot across in a short space. Kickass.

sybil law said...

Ooooh I am so distracted by the hot pics!!!! Beautiful!