Monday, April 21, 2008

in the quiet...

The night closed in on me. There was no escape. No amount of hard work or mindless entertainment could pull my thoughts from the one place they wanted to dwell:

I miss him

I thought it over and over.

I may have even said it out loud. to myself. repeatedly.

I miss him

You see it never occurred to me that I was alone, lonely, isolated when I was truly alone in my life. When it was just me and my thoughts. Back in the day when I was a single gal I was never lonely, but often alone.

After a few years of marriage though.... It's tough to go with out the one you love.

It was Father's Day 2006 and Mr. Kaos had to be at a conference for work... I was sad, I wanted him here. home. with us. Home with us was precisely where he couldn't be. He had a thought though. A suggestion. If he couldn't be with us for Father's Day maybe my Father should have the opportunity.

He arranged our tickets, we were to fly out the day before Father's Day. Go to the Midwest. Take K to see her Nana and Papa's house for the first time.

We boarded a plane just K and I. We flew halfway across the country just she and I. We went home with my parents and things were good. They were grand. She was seeing a new place. Having new experiences.

And I was happy.

Until I went to bed that first night and the next and every night until I came home. Until I could fall impatiently into his arms. Until I could sleep with my hand held in his. Until I could see my husband's eyes and kiss his lips.

I never really knew loneliness until I was lonely for him.


This post was written in response to David's question on Weekend Wandering; Have you ever been lonely?

If you'd like to answer this in a post on your own blog please link back to his Weekend Wandering post and leave him a comment to let him know. While you letting people know... leave me a comment to let me know as well... I'd love to see what you have to say.


Lilacspecs said...

That is very very true. I feel the same way now when CB isn't around. When I was single I was alone most of the time but rarely ever lonely. Now I'm dreading CB's conference in Bremen this July because he'll be gone for almost a week and I know I'll be excruciatingly lonely. You guys should come to Gent that week. I'll buy you cupcaaaakes....with martinis on top (and one with a Shirley Temple on top for K).

Lilacspecs said...

Oh and I have that Leonard Cohen book! Well, I had it, it went to the library this past winter, but it was excellent, just so ya know.

Bubblewench said...

nice post. Sweet.

Denise said...

That was really sweet, made me all misty.

Kimberly said...

Beautiful post Cami...simply beautiful.

sybil law said...

Oh you should've posted that pic of you and K with the suitcases along with this pic! It's one of my favorite pictures!!!
I remember you, being all lonely - we Im'ed a lot!... :)

holly said...

this was so great.

when mine's gone? my body goes "oooooh yeeeeeaaah that's a whole lotta bed just for me!!!"

and then i can't fall asleep because it's too quiet without the snoring. how can snoring bother you both with its presence and absence?!?!?!

missburrows said...

thanks alot, you gave me the chills.

oh wait, that was just the open door.

what were you saying again??

Jo Beaufoix said...

Cami that was so lovely. When Mr B used to be away a lot for gigs I never slept. When he was in London last week, I never slept. Holl is so right in that when he's there his snoring kills me, but when he's not my bed feels wrong.

mielikki said...

I gotta third the snoring thing. Without MM snoring in my ear, things just are not good...

stephanie said...

Oooh, very nicely said.

So true.

The grocery boy just doesn't cut it, for real.

david mcmahon said...

Wonderful avowal of love ....

Jenera said...

Every week when my hubby goes back out on the road, the worst part is that first night going to bed. We have such a big bed that I feel lost in it when I'm sleeping alone for 5-7 nights a week alone. I feel ya, I really do.

angel said...

that was beautiful cami, truly.

Maggie May said...

This is my second attempt to leave a comment! Don't know what happened to the first!

I was nearly crying there with you! Good post!

lime said...

it is such a strange thing that love does to us.

here via davdi's. beautiful post.

CamiKaos said...

lime: yes it is, and thanks for coming by.

maggie may: I'm sorry, I hate it when blogger does that.

angel: thanks babe.

jenera: I just can't imagine how you do it.

david: as usual thanks for the inspiring question.

stephanie: nope, sometimes you have to have the real deal

mie: Mr. Kaos doesn't snore much... but when he does I just tell him to roll over... so I can do without it. It's the sound of his breath. Looking over to see the rise and fall of his chest... yes I am creepy enough to watch my man sleep from time to time.

Jo: elbow him in the ribs? Thanks Jo.

missburrows: This doll, is why I find you so charming.

holly: a distraction no matter where he is eh?

sybil: I forgot all about that picture. I love that picture.

kimberly: thank you.

denise: it made me misty too.

bw: like sugar

lilac: hmm.... visiting a friend in Belgium.... that would be just sooo awful...

gunfighter said...

Everyone should be so lucky as to feel that sort of lonliness, knowing that it is temporary.

CamiKaos said...

gunfighter: I agree they should... not everyone is so lucky... and I know it... I try to remember and be thankful