the chia pet...

in a little less than 2 months I will be a 30 year old woman... Until yesterday I took great pride in having been an almost 30 year old woman who had never ...umm... planted... for lack of a better word... a chia pet.

I can no longer say that.

Have you ever planted a chia pet? Is it just me? Was it a horrifying experience for you?

K being nearly 5 and insane really wanted one. She really really did. So one day shortly before Christmas while I was at the pharmacy picking up my prescription I saw a chia pet... (chchchachia) and thought Oh why not, she really wants one.

I can not tell you why not. It's the seeds man.

We started Wednesday evening thinking we would be able to dive right in... but no... you have to soak the chia form for 24 hours... So you have to be prepared to completely submerge a head or sheep or dog or in our case Garfield the cat in water. If you have a child they may ask if they are drowning it. Please do not say yes.

Just as we were through with that debacle of a first step and my long explanation of why we can't plant it now: We have to follow the directions.... yes baby I know mama doesn't always follow all the directions but we have to now... because we do.. that's why. I thought to read a little bit further ahead in the directions to see what was to come. LUCKY since I learned that we had to measure out the seeds and mix them with water so that they can form a "gel like paste" in the next 24 hours.

So yeah, that really wasn't too okay with me. I opened up the "seed" pack and K measured out 2 teaspoons of what I can only describe as dried up nasty ass bug eggs. Upon closer inspection (how I stomached the closer inspection I do not know) they looked like tiny little beans... but I know they are bug eggs, they are so nasty. We followed the instructions mixed them with water and then set them out.

I suddenly became very fearful for my two cats. One of my cats won't eat anything except his food (some how he is the fat one) but is drawn to water cups like... well... he really likes them (I know it is off the subject but he once totalled my lap top and no I don't know why he is still alive. Another time I woke up in the middle of the night to Mike screaming louder than I have ever heard and covered in water. He'd left a glass of water on the bedside table and Ripper decided he needed a drink) I thought the "seeds" and water mixture might be tempting to him... and my other cat will eat anything and I thought the appeal of bug eggs and water might overwhelm him so I put a lid on it and poked some holes. Why the holes? So the bug eggs can breath.

Yesterday after our snow day fun I took a nap and woke up in the evening to K's growing need to plant her chia pet (why do they call it a pet, is this like a pet rock thing?). I got up, laid out a towel removed the severed drowned clay head of Garfield from the water and put it in the chias planter tray for her. She got a butter spreader from her silverware bin and retrieved the "seeds" from the counter... she proceeded to carefully slop chia "seeds" everywhere.... I couldn't decide if I should vomit, choke or die so I just watched quietly in amazed horror...

The towel I put down was covered in "seeds' when she was done. I tried to clean it off before putting it in the wash but to no avail... I decided it was old... so I threw it out. I was not washing those chia seeds with my towels no way. I finished smoothing out the seeds into the little grooves for her. gag.

now the cat head sits on the counter in my kitchen... I have an old house with a tiny kitchen and no matter where I look there it is... it's bug egg seeds peeking at me thanking me for allowing them life...

I swear if anything but a chia sprout comes out of that cat I am calling the center for disease control...